I Wanna be a WAGAB

WAGs. Wives and Girlfriends. Or more to the point, Footballers' Wives and Girlfriends.

They're not a new thing, but the tabloids seem to have fallen in love with them again now that some genius has come up with the title of WAGs.

Well, I want to be a part of that elite gang of tanned, glossy, immaculately turned out lovers of football players. But they'd have to change the name of the gang to WAGABs - Wives and Girlfriends and Boyfriends.

Premiership stars are the epitome of manliness and I want to bag one for myself. Looking at the ultra-heterosexual world of professional football, you'd be forgiven for thinking gay soccer stars don't actually exist; but I think they must do.

There was the tabloid frenzy recently when a couple of players were named as being involved in some boy-on-boy action, but now those stories have been quashed and we 'know' the players mentioned are 'definitely' straight.

Even if those boys do in fact love the girls they are linked to, I reckon the law of averages must mean there are a few benders floating around the pitch. And I'd do anything to be on the arm of one of them.

I don't watch football for a love of the game. But I do watch it for a love of the men; the thighs, the lingering hugs, the possibility of a shirt-swap. I don't know how I'd go about bagging one of these uber men for myself, but I know I'd fit right in with the lady WAGABs.

Of course, I wouldn't be just any old WAGAB though. My man would play for a high profile team - probably Arsenal as their 2006/2007 away kit has some great grey socks with yellow accents - and he'd also play for his country. Then I would hob nob with other A List WAGABs like Victoria Beckham and Cheryl Tweedy.

And we'd make fun of the lesser other halves and laugh at them for signing up to that new reality show where they have to compete to run a clothes shop.

Arsenal are playing Watford at home this weekend, so I think I'll jump on the train to Finsbury Park to hang around outside the stadium. When the players go by, I'll give a little wave and a wink and see who takes the bait.