Friday: Time to moan
They say that there's no prude like a reformed whore.
And that whore was me this morning.
A scabby, blotchy-faced bloke sat in front of me on the train this morning.
He made me feel sick. I knew what he'd been doing. He reeked of it.
Smoke.
He must've just finished a cigarette and as soon as he sat down, the stale stench hung in the air like a cloud of shit.
On 21 April it will be one year to the day since I gave up smoking. I won't call myself a non-smoker until that day; instead I'll label myself a 'recovering smoker'.
I don't want to jinx it, but I still have no desire to start up again and when I smell someone like him, it makes me deeply ashamed that I ever smoked.
It means that every morning when I got on the train, other people could smell it on me. The same thing goes for people unfortunate enough to share a lift with me in my building.
Well, now I don't smell and those that do make me sick to the pit of my stomach. I wanted to ask him to sit somewhere else, but that might have been too much so early in the morning.
I'd hoped when I got to work that I wouldn't have to endure any more unpleasant odours, but I have discovered that one of the people who sits behind me has personal hygiene issues of his own: he clearly doesn't brush his teeth as his breath stinks like pig shit.
Couple that with Chip Fat John who sits on the other side of the office, and I have a day full of stench to look forward to.
He's known as Chip Fat John because he smells like chip fat. And his name is John. He also smells of dirty towels. You know when you wash a towel and for some reason it gets left lying around indoors and ends up smelling like stale sweat, feet and cabbage? That's what he smells like all day, every day.
And he seems to think that as we are the only two gayers who work in my office anymore, I will enjoy talking to him all day about the fact that Rupert Everett saw him and his boyfriend snogging, that Jeremy Sheffield propositioned him in a 'leather club' and which male Gladiator I used to fancy.
I enjoy none of these conversations.
(But I fancied Trojan.)
(And Rupert Everett and Jeremy Sheffield, if you want to get technical.)
15 comments:
DB- I am on day 5 of being a 'recovering smoker' and you know what? Some skank sat on the bus next to me this morning and all I could smell was his rancid fag breath. it made me wonder why I gave 16 years of my life to those dirty little sticks.
I'm bringin' stoppin' smokin' back
T xx
Ugh, there should've been a disclaimer not to eat your lunch whilst reading that post.
One of the regular cuntstomers to our shop (but not today, I'm at home!) works in a kebab shop. He's a decent enough cove but whenever I see his grinning face as he walks in, I know I'm going to be assaulted by that unique stench of grease and fat, and I hate him for that.
Good luck on your cessation TM. I'm on day 5 myself. It's easy when I'm not in a pub, drinking.
I've never heard of Jeremy Sheffield but, now that I have, I will begin the stalking.
How anyone called Chip Fat John (assuming that's not his birthname) could get hit on by that man is beyond me.
Finally, for reasons I can't explain now, mine was Hunter.
TM: You're bringing everything back this year. Glad to have you on board the No Smoking Express. It makes us better people.
Fweng: Kebab men are the worst. Or anyone who works in a fast food restaurant - their clothes reek. Well done on being another new non-smoker. Drinking is the real test and I have had a few near-misses where I came close to giving in. Be strong, strawberry blonde.
AD: He should change his name by Deed Poll to Chip Fat John. He claims to have been propositioned, but I take it with a pinch of highly unlikely salt.
Hunter? Who do you think you are? Ulrika Johnson?
God how on Earth are you guys recalling the Gladiator's names? That was so long ago I didn't even know I was gay.
SSD: Gladiators helped me realise I was gay...
DB - I have been a non smoker for a year and five days! Not that I am trying to Gloat! My problem is giving up the drink for a month, I am five days in and already thinking about a pint after work, roll on the 31st. I often wish I would bump in to Jeremy Sheffield and he will leave his other half for me. I think it is highly unlikely that he would proposition Chip Fat John and in a leather club! Can you find out from Chip Fat John where this club is and what my getup should be? Fancy a night out on the hunt for him?!
Chip Fat John and Jeremy Sheffield in a leather club! My god, you couldn't make it up! Just the name has put a smile on my face - thanks
Hmm.
What if Chip Fat John wore Prada???
Mitzi: I take my hat off to you on the no smoking front and I feel your pain with not drinking.
I think we both have the same fantasies about Mr Sheffield. I can't think for one minute Chip Fat John is telling the truth, but maybe we should head down Fist in full Gimp outfit just on the off-chance..?
Redboy: I think he did make it up.
Eileen: That is an interesting suggestion. One to which I would say, "don't waste perfectly good fragrances on fat idiots who'll still stink like shit anyway".
DB: I do believe you and I would be the best of friends. :sigh:
Lol at T - i hope you are bringing stoppin smokin back, do it, do it!
My fave was Hunter too, until he started bonking ulrika. Hes the only one i recall.
And now i feel bad, cos im still a stinky smoker ... and we are smelling worse as they wont allow us to smoke inside legally, so it smells so sweet inside, i take a coupla rushed tokes outside, walk on in and its OBV that i am filthy habit harrassed fag hag. in the bad way.
Dearest Denim,
I'm starting my second week as a non smoker I really DID bring it back. Is is wrong that I feel very self righteous, and find myself tutting at people who smoke, and rolling my eyes at the pikey in front of me buying 10 Mayfair lights at the newsagents?
Fweng, I hope you are still on board. Smoking is for c*nts. Cat's c*nts.
Joie- I've raised the bar, come join me up here.Smoking is so over.
Eileen: Oh honey, I agree. Wait! Is this just because of the gimp comment?
Joie: I do feel for you, but you need to kick that bad habit. Maybe this is your punishment for fancying Hunter..?
TM: Enjoy feeling self-righteous. But I will remind you of this conversation come pay day when you're toking on a Marlboro Light down the Retro Bar!
TM - smoking is so LY
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