10 January 2007

Do you have a Walking Licence?

The top of this blog says that London is the greatest city in the world.

But there are many, many occasions when I don't actually feel this way and those times are any days when I have to walk through Central London during rush hour. So, basically every poxy morning and evening.

When I was 17 I wanted to learn to drive, so I took up driving lessons. I had to read the Highway Code to familiarise myself with the rules of the road and then I took a test, after which I was allowed to be set free on the road.

Well, where is the code to familiarise people with the rules of the pavement? Why do pedestrians think that they have the freedom to walk at any speed and in any direction with no thought for others using the walkways?

Central London is exceptionally busy, full of people rushing back and forth all trying to get somewhere in the shortest possible time. So why do so many do this journey with absolutely no awareness of those around them?

If it's not people reading a newspaper when they're walking along (have you ever heard anything like it?), it's people walking out of shops and offices onto a busy pavement and then stopping in the middle. If it's not people walking really slowly, it's people in twos or threes walking together down a two-man deep path so that no one can get passed in either direction.

The only thing more irritating than a pedestrian is a pedestrian with an umbrella, especially one intended for a golf course rather than Threadneedle Street. Having been absent-minded enough to lose three umbrellas on trains in the last month, I was already in a foul mood when I saw the rain this morning and the last thing I wanted was to have to duck and dive to avoid getting my eyes poked out by all the nutters with wandering brollies. And at six foot two, that's no simple feat.

I think laws should be brought in to bring some kind of order to the pavements of London. I remember hearing a rumour once that Oxford Street was going to have lanes introduced for slower walkers allowing faster ones to go about their business without the need for tripping people up.

This would be a lifesaver and should be brought in across the city. Millennium Bridge, for example, should be split into two lanes: one for people with somewhere to go and the other for the cuntish tourists who clog it up on a regular basis.

If there was some order introduced, I'd be able to get to work without wanting to throw myself in the Thames with rocks in my pockets.

The situation has got so bad that I've picked up a dangerous habit. Each time someone gets in my way or walks in front of me or fails to give me the right of way when they ought to, I mutter "cunt" under my breath.

This is fine while no one hears, but one day some burly bloke is going to get wind of it and, as opinionated as I am, I'm not overly keen on confrontation, so I should try and curb it.

In the end I had to nip to Pret to get a hot chocolate and a ham and cheese croissant. Just to take the edge off.


Eileen Dover said...

I feel the same way... only with drivers, because here where I live, it's rare that people actually walk places.

Drive-thru food, drive-thru banks, drive-thru pharmacy, drive-thru one-hour camera stores...

Pretty soon it will be drive-thru toilets.

All those drivers piss me off.

And I drive-thru Starbucks to buy something to take the edge off.

Tequilla Mockingbird said...

I've got one word to say to you.

Bunch of c*nts.

Know what I HATE- and this happens everyday: people invading my space on the bus. I must be so shit hot attractive because everyone seems to want to sit next to me, when there are 40 other seats available. What the fuck is that about? When someone sits next to me I look around at the empty seats, look at them, and they just get it. But they still don't fucking move. London's full of BOC's- Bunch of Cunts.

I feel better already, Thank you Darling Denim. I'm spent.

JimmyD said...

Oh my God! You were able to write the post that I'm always too annoyed to write. Throw the thoughtless smokers into the mix and you have my daily aggrivation!
In London, do the people also walk:
Head down?
Eyes looking anywhere but in front of them?
Checking the ever so important e-mail on whatever device?

fwengebola said...

Don’t get me started. And I was going to mention the same rumour about Ox St I too heard. But I’ve just come back from the supermarket, also angry, as I haven’t had a proper lunchbreak – that visit was my lunchbreak. I was stood at the self service machines, creating a new queue by standing in the middle as they were all being used. Then some CUNT comes along and decides to create a second queue rather than wait behind me.

And the bitch got to a machine first.


Denim Boy said...

Eileen: Don't even get me started on drivers. It's all about being polite and people just don't care. Indicators are there for a reason!

TM: You know I don't really 'do' buses, but the train is just as stressful. Why sit directly opposite me touching my feet with your rank shoes, when you can sit somewhere else?

When will we get chauffeurs to drive us around? We deserve it.

JimmyD: Yes, you have read my mind. Why walk around with your head down? Surely even the biggest idiots know that is going to cause some problems. People don't drive with their eyes shut. Although, speak to Eileen and I bet she's got stories of people who do.

Fweng: Now we're talking. Let's talk queues in the supermarket. If you're standing behind me in the basket queue, DO NOT rub your basket against the back of my leg. It ain't gonna get you served any quicker.

And what about people in front of you in the queue who stand and stare at the cashier the whole time they're scanning the goods, then at the end realise they have to pack their shopping away. And then they try and pay with the exact change and all I want to do is ram them from behind and throw them to the ground. And not in the good way.

Monkee said...

I so totally understand which is why I try and escape the c*nts by leaving early, but that means I don't get my beauty sleep...

Anyway, I catch up on your site once every few days and just wanted to say good luck with the new job and move to London with the rest of us Moxxy's.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Everyone knows BALTIMORE is the greatest city in the world.

Qenny said...

Italian tourists are the worst. They're never alone. It's always an entire fucking busload. And they do things like stop at the top of escalators. En masse!

Anon Dirty said...

I love the people that try to walk through slow walkers. They're my heroes.

Denim Boy said...

Monkee: I might have to take that advice in future. Thanks for your well wishes.

M Snay: Hey! After this morning's episode, I'd be inclined to agree with you.

Qenny: I seem to have most trouble with German ones. But yes, they all stop at the top of escalators too.

AD: I do it all the time. Usually with a huff and a puff.

mitzi said...

I think the Chinese / Japanese are the worst, all fucking cackling at each other at the top of their voices, moving in big packs taking small steps! Stopping at every other window display, taking photos of bus, shop, sign, escalators! Move you Fucking Bunch of Cunts! Tourists should be charged a peek fare for being in town when you have an hour to go to the bank and get your lunch! Sorry have been in Dublin for the day and there was an influx of them. I feel a lot better now.

fwengebola said...

This isn't about racism, it's about cunts. All races are cunts.

(I really mustn't leave angry comments using the worst word in the English language. Twice)

mitzi said...

Fwengebola, I did not mean to offend, I had to go to Dublin for three hours and I could not get o where I had to go as the said Tourists were getting in the way. I ended up missing my flight home and had to get a later one. Very Bad day at work, please except my apology.

Denim Boy said...

Mitzi/Fweng: Yes, this is not about a particular race as, like Fweng said, they're all cunts. Show me an annoying Chinese tourist and I'll show you ten annoying French/Spanish/Egyptian/Dutch ones.

We shouldn't discriminate - everyone is equally cuntish.

Except everyone who has commented on this post. We're all brilliant.

And Fweng, say cunt as often as you like on my posts.