Where are all the good gays?

How does a moxual celebrate the fact that six days after being paid, he is down to his last £120? Why, by taking his limp-wristed friend out and hitting the town, of course.

Both me and Doormouse are in veritable financial cul-de-sacs, so we thought 'to Hell with it' and squandered more cash on booze.

We hit the old faithful Retro Bar on the Strand and it turned out that the grubby little gayers have a 'Be a DJ for 5 Songs' evening. Basically, once you've poured enough cheap hooch down your neck to rid yourself of all traces of dignity, you can hook up your iPod to their DJ booth and play any 5 songs of your choice. But you have to stand in the booth to make sure everyone knows who thinks they have good taste in music.

It only took me two ciders to be brave/naive (delete as appropriate) enough to partake and so jumped up, plugged in and set out to wow the crowd. It turns out that Prince, Eurythmics, Janet Jackson, Timbaland and Sneaky Sound System do not go down well in a pub full of tattooed stinkers. Even before the first of my tracks had hit the chorus, most of the drinkers (including Doormouse) had vacated for a smoke outside.

Once the torture was over, we decamped and headed to the other dive within walking distance – Halfway to Heaven. The plan had been to swan in looking fabulous and be the best things there; to be big fish in a little pond. As we stood there fearing for our lives, we realised that we weren't in fact the best things there as we were kind of in love with the rogue's gallery. Yes, they'll slit your throat as soon as they're finished with you, but boy, what a way to go.

The heaving testosterone was too much to bear, so we left after a couple of ciders and petrified glances with gangsters and ended the night at the Ku Bar playing our new favourite game (Doormouse officially created it, but I pass it off as my own), Guilty Pleasures.

The premise is simple: name the men you fancy that you know you shouldn't.

While Doormouse listed Dr Hilary Jones (off the telly), Gordon Ramsay and Jack Dee, I shamed myself by naming Dev from Coronation Street, Rod Stewart and O.J. Simpson.

The only rule with the game is that you cannot judge. A guilty pleasure is free from ridicule.